You know that feeling that you want something really bad but you can’t have it or don’t know what it is yet. That same feeling that you have everything but you still want more but you don’t really know what you want until you find it in some strange place.

Last year before Christmas I lost a dear friend of mine, he was much older then me and also he took the role as my father figure when I was younger. As some of my friends knows I have  been through a lot of shit in life, some of them moments left scars under my skin, you can’t see them but they are there.  As a youth I was really in a bad place in life, I didint know what to do or where to go or turn to, I couldn’t talk to my mom about it cos the was going through a lot other things. I was 16 when everything happend.. I met my biological father for the first time, my moms aunt died 2 months after we got home from PH, I found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer and in the middle of everything I was sexual abuse by a family member.

When your a teen and have lot of those things going on in your life you start to feel like you wanna die or alredy feel like your dead cos no one is there to help you and tell you that it’s not your fault that what happend to you is on that adult who is spouse to protect you.

I started to back away from my friends and I began to be self destruct.. I started to cut my arms.. hit my fist in the wall and even try to hang myself.. angry.. neglected.. hurt.. abandoned and Un wanted until i started to talk to this one man.. A person who became my father figure.. someone I could talk to and confined to.. someone who loved me and wanted me as if I was his own daughter.

From him I learned to love myself and accept that it was not my fault what happend to me. He often told me that I was not stupid or ugly.. that God made me just the way he wanted me to look.. that I’m a very loving full person and was often very happy child and always caring for the people I love. He always reminded me that I was wanted and loved that I always had someone to talk to when I feel sad or down or even happy.

Today is one of those days that I just want to cry and need to talk to someone.. but I remembered that you are not here, I can’t send you a text message or call you anymore. I feel empty inside.. it’s empty without you.
You where buried more then a week ago.. but it’s just now that I realized that you are gone. I want you back.. cos I need you here.

Ever since I came out some of the people I hang out with always ask me why I belive in God, it’s against the bible to be gay.

Well thing is nowhere in the bible it does say that you have to hate gay people, also it says Adam and Eve but it does also say that you shouldn’t judge someone else, in the end of everything it’s only God who can do that.

I’ve read the bible and I can’t find anywhere in the book that it says that a woman can’t be with a woman and a man to be with a man.

I belive in God in my own way, I do not need a book or the Pope to tell me how to live my life or who to love. I have lost my faith before but I found my way back to him.  I pray to God often when no one sees me doing it.. I don’t need to shout it out loud that I do pray. When I talk to God it’s all between me and him and no one else.

Can a person belive in God even if that person is homosexual? Yes they can, we even have Gay priest.

I carry my cross around my neck and I even have two tattooed on my body. I belive that if God didn’t want me to be here in this earth I wouldn’t be here, I would have died a long time ago. I belive that if we die then God have a better plan for us. My vision of heaven and hell is this world, in this world there are people who is evil and also who is angels. One day this earth will not exist anymore and the fault in that falls in to us for not taking care of the earth and each other.

Well this is a few things you need to know about me.

1. I have a short temper (I get angry really fast if I find your jokes insulting or racist)

2. I do have 12 siblings (don’t mess with me or my brothers will find you.. seriously)

3. I can’t live without music.. it’s my sanctuary

4. I laugh too much, even if the jokes are to bad

5. I really love food so I ended up being a chef

6. I diss like drunk people ( you can drink but you gotta know your own limit)

7. I am a aunt to basically more then 10 kids.. I think I’m up to total 15 kids ( i stop counting when I realized that they won’t stop popping out from their moms viJay jays)

8. I’m dyslexic but I use a voice lexicon and a translator.

9. I’m Catholic, but I belive in God in my own way and I’m liberal about most things.

10. I’m gay and proud of it.